Today I weighed myself hoping that I would be 1 pound less. Instead I had actually gained a pound since yesterday. That gave me a sense of disappointment. For the past 3 weeks, due to my liquid food diet consumption, I had started to shed some unwanted pounds. When I noticed that I was losing weight that gave me a sense of pleasure.
The bathroom scale has turned me into a pendulum where I swing from one extreme to the other. When I lose weight I am happy but when I gain weight I am disappointed. Then I realized that what I have been creating all along is this energetic relationship to weight, where weight has now defined me and enslaved me, creating friction via weighing myself and experiencing emotions and feelings. How fascinating!
What that in return created was another energy dependence on eating habits. I would choose to not eat whenever I feel hungry because I had created another energy relationship, where the more I ate, the more weight I gained. Also with that relationship, another relationship got created: The more time I spend in the kitchen, the more I will eat and therefore the more weight I will gain. And it seems that this pattern can continue. With not wanting to eat also came not wanting to go and spend money on groceries because more groceries mean more time in the kitchen which means more to eat and therefore more weight to gain. And as a result of that came poor eating habits where I would only eat whatever I can put my hands on just to satisfy some hunger and as a result of that develop really bad habits such as snacking at night and then going to bed shortly after. In addition, I also created this lazy character in me where I would purposely not want to cook anything because I feel bad having to spend money on buying food and watching money disappear from my account just drives me nuts. Another energy dependence! Wow!
So let's recap this. Anxiety created via spending money on food leads to less food in the house which leads to less time being spent cooking food which leads to poor eating habits which leads to stress and this leads to weight gain which then leads back to anxiety as the mind now is consumed about weight all the time.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to create an energy dependence on money where lack of money caused by not purchasing groceries creates uncertainty and this leads to anxiety and fear.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to create an energy relationship to the amount of time spent in the kitchen where the more time I spend cooking implies that the more weight I will gain
I forgive myself for allowing myself to create an energy dependence on lack of food and eating habits where I would purposely starve myself whenever my stomach rumbles causing acid built up leading to poor health ailments such as inability to consume and digest food, all arising due to not eating on time.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to place my weight as the center of the universe where my weight will dictate my emotions and feelings and pivot from up and down generating energy constantly via the mind
I forgive myself for allowing myself to not take 100% responsibility for my health and disrespecting my body by not engaging in healthy behaviors such as spending time and energy preparing meals to ensure that the physical needs have been met.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to place money as the center of universe and not purchase food for myself because of my belief that saving money is more important than my feeding my physical body, therefore depriving myself of nutrients to keep me alive, and express myself in this world.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge my body as being overweight whenever I am above 130 pounds because I have idealized my weight and told myself that if I am not 125 pounds that I am not healthy.
When and as I see myself getting caught up with feelings and emotions arising due to my weight, I pause and I breathe. I instantly tell myself that these reactions I experience an energy relationship with do not reflect the conditions that my physical body needs to maintain to ensure that it is fully functional. What matters is that my body is in a condition to keep up with its daily progress so that it can sustain me, as life, whether it needs to be 120 or 130 pounds. I also realize that by putting weight as my starting point, that I am simply fuelling my mind with energy due to my participation in energy derived relationships by continuously thinking of my weight throughout the day and ignoring what is here at present. As a consequence, I put my mind first and my body last, therefore creating friction where I intentionally do not equalize myself to my body and mind and end up not honoring my body for what it does for me. My mind becomes God and my body becomes a slave to God due to the power that I give to my mind by participating in emotions and feelings derived whenever I react to my body weight. I commit to not using the scale anymore to judge myself by how much I weigh and honor my body by taking 100% responsibility to ensure that it is well taken care of through proper diet and activity.
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