Sunday 22 September 2013

The Worrier Personality and Journey to Trancendance

The past month has been one of the most toughest and also most revealing month of my entire existence. This year (2013), I encountered 3 panic attacks and these are encounters that I had never experienced before. My first panic attack was in May 2013 and that was at my Aunt's place back home. I then had another one in June due to some product that I reacted to. Then I had one in August and since that day, I have had to take a whole month off from work to recover.

Currently I am still recovering from this as I am typing. What has happened is that my digestive system for the past 3 weeks failed to take in much food because it could no longer digest anything anymore. Therefore for the past 3 weeks, I have barely been able to eat much. I mostly ate liquid food products and could no longer consume any meat products. It was almost like a body cleanse where I had to get rid of any toxin and really take in natural pills to repair my digestive organs before I could actually start eating again.

What lead to my panic attack was the fact that before my whole digestive system shut down, I was experiencing sensations in my body such as chest tightening which got me into a state of extreme fear and panic and therefore as a consequence of that gave rise to a panic attack and I ended up in the Emergency room at the hospital I was working at. As I look back to investigate what really created all this, I have come to realize how multi-dimensional this really is.

The mind is indeed a fiesty thing because it searches for any type of information or picture and immediately gives you a situation where one can experience fear. It seems that the more you talk yourself out of the fear, another picture comes in and that creates another point of fear.

 Here are a few dimensions that I came up with.

1. Poor eating habits

  1. The psychological eater where I would punish myself and starve myself because of the pretext that there are millions of other kids starving in the world and therefore I do not deserve to eat because I can't help them.
  2. Not taking my breaks on time because I want to make sure that I do not leave work pending for the other person
  3. Snacking when I finish work at midnight
  4. Not consuming the right foods for the body Not eating at the right time as in skipping breakfast
  5. Worried that if I eat then I will gain weight Not cooking and freezing food to bring to work due to laziness and not wanting to spend money on buying food

 2. Personality seeking for events and anything to become a victim such as :

 a). Fearing death 

  • Fear that I won't be able to transcend a lot of what I had accepted and allowed in this life 
  • Fear of the pain that people go through while dying 
  • Fear that I was going to die whenever my mind was reading through the symptoms
  • Fear of aging and poor health (grandma dying due to one less lung)
  • Fear that I won't be able to return back to earth because it is worse on the other side

b). Anxiety/Stress and other fears 
  • Coworker issues and experiencing high anxiety due to guilt, regret, suppression, justification, righteousness, limiting beliefs 
  • Fear of being seen or judged in a negative way
  • Fear of not being appreciated 
  • Angry at the manager for not being trustworthy, efficient and responsible when it comes to addressing concerns

c) Taking things personally 
Feeling hurt before analyzing situations and contexts

d) Assuming the worst 
Thinking I am being the subject of conversation when 2 people are talking quietly in another corner of the room

e) Always worrying about the future and how things will be if there is no system in place for it

f) Wanting to please another person to avoid conflict and be seen as a nice person, therefore making
decisions on feelings and emotions

g) Upbringing/Society
    My growing up was filled with my parents always controlling me due to their society beliefs and so on. This made me really suppressed and consequently I ended up giving up on wanting to be in power because rebelling with parents did not work.  I developed the 'victim' personality as well as taking other people's burden on my shoulders.


AS I write each blog, I will do SF on each point

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